We all have anger! It is, in fact, a tool that can be used for survival. For example our brain is programmed to protect us through a “fight or flight” response. If we feel a threat we either “face it” or run away from it! In other words, we “stand to the plate” (to face a possible strike-out), or, if we ‘don’t like the heat, we “get out of the kitchen.” Most of us had very little learning, guidance and direction about anger when we were growing up and as a result have not developed the skill to handle the emotion altogether as successfully as we might have otherwise (now that we are adults).
Anger can help us solve problems, resolve conflicts and face threats in a functional manner. Sometimes we “face the music” or sometimes we run away. Either choice can be helpful and even appropriate, depending on the situation. Anger usually occurs when there is a threat (or a ‘perceived’ threat) to our ‘selves’ (bodies), our self-esteem, the things we own, or our values. People differ in how they respond to anger as much as they differ in what it is that ‘triggers’ their anger. How we experience angry feelings often influences how we behave as a result of those same feelings. Some of us become internally angry and behave ‘self-destructively,’ while others lash out and direct their anger at others. Still, others “stuff” their anger. This latter group, more often than not becomes aggressive later.
Some of us are raised to understand anger and recognize it as a ‘universal human emotion’ and learn to feel comfortable with it as much as we do with sadness, or happiness. These fortunate people have been taught to become aware of and familiar with their angry emotion, and have learned to ‘regulate’ and ‘control’ their responses to it. The secret, with the help of a good parent, is that they learn to trust their anger and to direct it in productive and functional ways. Consequently they can moderate their responses.
Handling anger in adulthood has a great deal to do with how we learned to deal with anger in our childhood and adolescence. So many times people say that “getting it off their chest,” helps to release it but modern research shows this not to be the case, and that “blowing off steam” only serves to make us more angry.
Remember, feeling angry is just that, a feeling, while acting angrily is a behavior, and that is a choice.
Sincerely,
T. F. “Pepper” Link, Ph.D.
