Boundaries – Valuing the Self 

How many times have you seen people trying to “please others?”  They are the “nice” people;…they are always trying to keep the peace.  They usually are people who come from dysfunctional families and were abused in one way or another as children.  More often than not they are motivated by the fear of getting “hurt.”   So, they “become peacekeepers” and work hard at keeping the peace by sacrificing their own interests (boundaries) to avoid getting hurt.  They are operating from “fear.”  There is a clear difference between having ‘clear” boundaries (and protecting them), or occasionally yielding to them for the greater good— as appropriate—and someone who tolerates anything. 

Operating from “fear” is counter-productive because it promotes dysfunction, rudeness and disregard.  However, acting from “love” can bring genuine “good” into the world.  To do so requires healthy boundaries. 

Lacking clear and distinct psychological and personal boundaries is not that something is “missing.”  More accurately it is a refusal to defend one’s own dignity. And it’s a refusal based on a disregard or dislike for the self – perhaps even self-hate.   When a child lives in fear (fear of senseless abuse), they grow up blaming themselves (for not being good enough to deserve better), they begin to feel worthless and carry that attitude into adulthood.  Self-loathing created by abuse in early life. 

If you have ever flown on a commercial airline you have most likely have heard the flight personnel discuss safety issues at the beginning of the flight.  One of the issues concerns the use of oxygen masks which drop down from the overhead compartment in the event of a sudden decompression at altitude.   You are directed to place “your” mask on first, before assisting someone else.  The time it takes to help a struggling child or elderly person could result in both of you passing out and perhaps dying.  Truly, the “first law of nature” is the preservation of the self. Honoring the self creates dignity and leads to healthy boundaries.  Taking care of  yourself (self-care, dignity), would allow you to then help care for others, which is an aspect of “love.”  The goal here is to “love yourself,” and do so by creating healthy boundaries.   

Examples of healthy boundaries include the refusal of the following things 

1. Refusal to break the law. 
2. Refusal to “bend” the rules. 
3. Refusal to betray your values. 
4. Refusal to allow someone too close emotionally. 
5. Refusal to allow someone to get too close physically. 

Doing these things is to cross boundaries, both personal and emotional, moral and societal which is a violation of  healthy boundaries and consequently a form of self-hatred. 

When you make the effort to share your boundaries with those around you and close to you, you will find that your sense of connection will increase and your  ability to solve problems will improve.  It is important to risk conflict to improve the quality of relationship.  This is truly the way to honor oneself and bring dignity to the individual.  Sharing your boundaries is clearly one way to promote communication – and that will allow healing and growth to take place. 

THE TEN LAWS OF BOUNDARIES* 

1. The Law of Sowing and Reaping – Our actions have consequences 
2. The Law of Responsibility:  We are responsible to each other, but not for each other 
3. The Law of Power:  We have power over some things; we don’t have power over others (and that includes changing other). 
4. The Law of Respect:  If we wish for others to respect our boundaries, we need to respect theirs  
5. The Law of Motivation:  We must be free to say no before we can wholeheartedly say yes. 
6. The Law of Evaluation:  We need to evaluate the pain our boundaries cause others. 
7. The Law of Proactivitiy:  We take action to solve problems based on our values, wants, and needs. 
8. The Law of Envy:  We will never get what we want if we focus outside our boundaries onto what other’s have. 
9. The Law of Activity:  We need to take the initiative in setting limits rather than be passive. 
10. The Law of Exposure:  We need to communicate our boundaries to each other. 

Boundaries — the way we define and maintain our sense of individuality, freedom, and personal integrity – are so very important.  The above “boundaries” are both essential and critical if you want to create self-love and maintain it.   You may wish to use them as a guide in building relationships.  Doing so will help lead you to a higher, as well as healthier and happier quality of life. 

*Boundaries in Marriage, H. Cloud, Ph.D. and J. Townsend, Ph.D. ©1999